Life Across The Pond

Retrospective

With each passing year, I feel I should look back to see what I've learned during that time. Unfortunately, I never actually come up with any particularly novel or incisive revelations. However, given that this day is an arbitrarily significant milestone, I find that it's a good opportunity to look back not on the last year, but the last three decades and note any useful insights that might serve me well over the next three decades. So here goes:

Decade 1:

• Crapping your pants is not the best way to get people's attention. However, if you've already done so, additional crying is a good way to expedite your attention-seeking efforts. (This tidbit may not be useful over the next 30 years but it's sure to come in handy for the 30 that follow.)
• Being a man of your word and earning the trust of others is important and will serve you well throughout your life. For example, early in life, your mother may not trust your ability to judge the fullness of your belly. Therefore, if you say you will vomit if you eat even another spoonful of soup, you should do so, all over the bathroom floor, after she forces you to finish your bowl of soup. Only then will you truly earn her respect as a man.
• The pockets on the sides of Kangaroos (esp. blue Velcro strap ones) are not for use. If you are foolish enough to use them, step aside to let others pass when you get to the front of the lunch line and discover that in order to get things out of the pockets of your 'Roos, you have to take your shoes off.

Decade 2:

• Be considerate. If you have to spend weeks travelling the country on the same bus and are fortunate enough to have a seat that's not by the bathroom, show consideration for those sitting by the bathroom and hold your stuff until the next truck stop unless it's an emergency. This same rule applies to your friends' bathrooms.
• It can be scientifically proven that my mouth can fit 24 grapes. At 25 grapes, slight laughter will cause one grape to lodge itself into my trachea. Once this happens, drooling will not dislodge the airway-obstructing fruit. Nor will three friends rolling on the floor with laughter. Luckily, spitting out 24 slobber-laden grapes and a quick upward flex of the diaphragm will. The scientific proof can and has been shown with the repeatability of this experiment...minutes after the first.
• In near-death situations, I am a calm and rational thinker. Such situations may include being inside a car, upside-down, underwater, in near freezing temperatures, and in the middle of nowhere.
  

Decade 3:

• 75% alcohol does not burn so quickly that the finger that it burns from will not see some damage. In related observations, toasting to birthdays by clinking flaming shot glasses is a bad idea.
• Snowboarding out of bounds through waist high powder by yourself is not advised. Also and again, in near-death situations, I am a calm and rational thinker.
• Good friendships seem to be a result of shared suffering. School, job, and life in New York seem to be good venues for this. Bad teachers, unfulfilling work, and New York summers and winters all can provide adequate suffering upon which good friendships can be based.
  
• Three decades go by faster than you think they will.
  

posted by Peter @ 9:23 PM