Life Across The Pond

Stand? Lean? In-Between? (Warning: Not lunch time reading)

For as long as I can remember, I've had what some may consider a quirk, an idiosyncrasy, maybe even a problem. No, it's not the fact that I don't know how to swim or that I can distinguish certain shades of red and green. It's that I don't like to do my business in public restrooms. Yes. That kind of business. The kind that some do while reading a magazine and others while talking on the phone. No, I don't talk on the phone but I've seen enough hotels with phones in the bathroom to assume it's fairly common.

Unfortunately, in my lifetime, I've been in several situations where it was unavoidable. And trust me, I've tried my best to avoid it. When I was younger and touring with a drum and bugle corps - sure, band camp if you want to call it that - I once held out for longer than you'd think was humanly possible. I'm not talking one day or even two. I'm talking days! Okay, more information than you'd care to know but the point is, sometimes you can't avoid it. In college, I readjusted my business cycle to drop the kids off either mid-day or late night when I stood the best chance of having the co-ed bathroom to myself. There's good reason to want to avoid the public restroom. Cleanliness is one. The lack of privacy, another. But really, it's just overall not a good experience.

Today I had to break the rule again. I thought I could last through the day but finally, at 5:30pm and no end in sight to my pile of work, I broke down. Luckily, there was only one other person in the restroom at the time and being fairly considerate, I waited until he was done, zipped up, hands washed, and out the door before I started my business. However, and finally to the subject of this entry, I realized another reason to dislike the public toilette...

...the seat liner! What's the deal with this seat liner anyway? Firstly, it's so thin that when you're tearing away the center area, the two connections somehow never tear but the rest of the seat liner does. Today I went through two before I finally got one right. Then, it never fits the seat properly. I realize that not all the seats are universally sized but how many variations can there really be?!? Do these things fit any of them properly?!?

Finally, at the end of your business, I find they just seem to not be fully cooperative for the final tidying up process. And then it dawned on me. Perhaps I'm not doing this correctly. Somewhere along the way, I learned to be a leaner. This means that in order to clean, you must lean. Either left or right, depending on whether you're a southpaw or not. That's how I do it. And this is where the problem lies. The liner is not made for leaners. The tissue paper is slick and you risk injury. It's thin enough that it will float around on you while you're navigating your neatly folded TP to it's destination. And depending on how long that article you've read is, it may decide to line your backside more than the seat and move with you when you do the lean. Really, it's just not cooperative. Or could it be that I'm doing it all wrong??

What's the proper method for this? Are you supposed to lean? Maybe you're supposed to squat in which case the slick paper isn't an issue anymore. Who knows? Maybe some actually stand completely straight (though I find that this can't be the most effective posture). Somewhere along the way, you've learned your method. But is it right? How would you know without comparing techniques? Much in the same way that I now know most people do not fold TP on the dotted lines or that soaping and then shampooing seems to be the preferred shower order, I now open up the forum for the informal, even possibly anonymous poll of "Stand? Lean? Something In-Between?"

Well?

posted by Peter @ 8:56 PM